Mouths of Gossip.

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What will people talk about,
if I give them nothing to say?
It’s when the cold night dawns
into day and my secrets unfold.
Arranged and changing,
that are displayed–
for all the world to see.
One will find what hardly makes
the very best part of me.
They will talk their mouths
until lips fall onto the ground
nowhere to be found.
Scuttling across the old cobblestone
disappearing into foreign seas–
They groan.
Spread wide with silent screams,
drowning.
No more, I say, No more.
For all the talk and all the word,
I can promise that all you’ve heard
contains more false than would be true,
so please don’t let it fool you, fool.
— E.H.
 

Guess who’s back..

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I’ve been neglecting this blog for awhile now, but not because I don’t have anything to say. I’ve been having an extremely difficult time on HOW to write it all down. I was/am having a hard time writing down how I feel about everything, to be honest. I am almost completely indifferent to writing things out. I am simply satisfied with just living and living in the moment.

The weekend I moved down was so incredibly heart-wrenching for me, seeing as I am a complete sap (read: pussy) and I had no idea what to expect in the future to come. Fast forward 2+ months and here I am coming back home… to visit. 😉 (gotcha!) I look back on that weekend and can’t believe how much I cried over the most ridiculous thoughts like how I would never hug my mom again or chat with my sister… (really, Liz?) I thought it was the end of my life as I knew it and nothing was ever going to be the same…

And that is exactly what happened. Nothing is the same and will ever be and I’m surviving this terrible tragedy of being yanked from my comfortable life. 😉 Heaven forbid. (Is there a name for people-who-don’t-actually-want-to- move-out-of-the-house-they-share-with-their-parents-in-ignorant-bliss-of-how-much-life-actually-costs? I mean, does anyone have a different reaction besides immediately envisioning a 40 year old fat man sitting in his mother’s basement playing video games? I could have been that man. In female form. No joke. I love home. )

I think I speak to my Mama more than I ever did, seeing as I call her literally every day on my way into work. In less than a week, I’ll be able to get that hug and eat some of her delicious food. 😉 Thanksgiving is coming a weekend early! I Skype so much with my family that I should probably take some stock out in the company. I feel closer to them the further I get. It took a few weeks to get adjusted to life down here, “on my own” without really being on my own. I spent a lot of that first week sleeping, and immediately thought I was becoming depressed and I needed to go home. Truthfully, it was nice to have a week off before anything big happened.

Then I went to take my driver’s test and failed. Yes, I failed. (whomp whomp) I stood in line in complete and utter shock. Shame washing over my face in HUGE red waves. I had the dumbest half smile because I could not comprehend that I had actually flunked a test that I passed when I was 16. The man at the desk called me over to finish the process of getting  my driver’s license and I had to tell him in a very weak voice that I had indeed failed. He stared for a few minutes, seemingly confused by what I was telling him. He then proceeded to reach into a drawer and pulled out the handbook, giving it to me laughing.

“You know I’m going to be leaving here.. to walk to my car… to drive home.. right?” I asked him. He just  shook his head.
“Come back tomorrow!”.

Right. I’ll do that.

I laughed all the way home. North Carolina gives such warm welcomes to it’s newcomers. In my new found sense of excitement I never guessed that I would actually have to take the test again. Call me stupid. Call me naive. I thought I would just sit for a picture and get my new plastic in the mail in 7 to 10 business days. I went back the next day though. I slammed my index finger into the touch screen so hard and fast to answer those questions the lady next to me actually looked up. Yeah, I passed that bad boy with flying colors. I owned that test.

Next up was the task of trying to get my car registered. The DMV is horrible wherever you go. End of story. It is the 10th level of hell reserved for everyone who got up on the wrong side of the bed that day. The DMV I went to was located inside of a small strip mall. The line to wait in wrapped around the lobby and out into the hallway of the mall. Every time I moved up an inch it was as if I was inching up to judgement day at the Pearly White Gates. A huge, long counter with 4-5 open windows sat at the front of the room and little men and women with glasses hanging off of their noses peered over the huge stacks of paper. I kid you not. It wasn’t until I stood there for a good 10 minutes that I noticed everyone had several pieces of paper in their hands. I casually looked around.. trying to be discrete. I had my car title. Insurance. Driver’s license. Then I noticed the sign plastered to that huge desk.. “CAR MUST BE INSPECTED IN THE STATE OF NC TO REGISTER”…..

For real?

But my registration doesn’t expire till next April! I turned around and asked the nice lady behind me if she thought maybe they would let me slip by and just hand them my inspection papers from home. She laughed and said  “I don’t think so sweetie, I just went and had my car inspected at the Jiffy Lube for 40 bucks because I didn’t have mine inspected… now I’m back to stand here for another hour.”

*blink.. blink*  Yeah.. I don’t have time for that. I’ll drive around with my PA tags.

Work started. Went through some great days of orientation. Love my job. People I work with are pretty cool, everyone seems to get along. Then I casually mentioned to one of my co-workers that I’ll be taking vacation next summer and inquired to when I should my time off request form in. (I know, starting a job and already asking for time off.. don’t judge.) 😉 She laughed and told me good luck with finding someone to work for me. Huh? I accrue PTO, what do you mean I have to find someone to cover my shift? Apparently, in the hospital I work, the staff themselves must find their own replacements even though they have PTO. If they do not find a replacement then they get a “strike” against them.. after 6 strikes.. you’re out. Crazy. I don’t really understand the point of accruing PTO then. If anyone can explain that to me.. please. I’m all ears. That BS makes no sense to me.

The month of Oct brought about going to a Carolina Hurricane’s game against the Flyers. I wore my black and orange with PRIDE. And was pleasantly surprised with the amount of Flyers colors that was visible in the crowd. We lost, but I don’t even remember that. I was just trying to yell louder and more obnoxiously that the Canes fans next to me. I also got a chance to check out the NC State Fair. Yeah, the same fair where 5 people got hurt on some ride called the”Vortex” when the operator apparently started the ride as people were getting on and off the ride. Not honestly sure why any person over the age of 10 would dare get on a ride that can be assembled and taken down in under 2 hours. I saw rides there that mimicked the Dominator at Dorney Park. There is not enough money in the world that would convince me to on that ride at the fair.. I’m pretty sure I saw the metal railings swaying back and forth. No joke. (Mom, how could you ever let me get on those rides when I was kid at the school fair?!)
I was fairly disappointed with the fair though! 😦 All it really consisted of was booth upon booth of food. Fried food as far as the eye could see. That and turkey legs. People were literally walking around eating turkey legs wrapped in plastic bags. I’m still not sure what the fuss was about with the turkey legs. Those lines were winding around and around with people waiting. Other than food, I played a few games. I visited the Flower Exhibit! That was wonderful,  got to see all of the flowers that won first place for different categories. It reminded me a little of the Flower Show in Philly every year. Really nice!

Today, I challenged the CNA test and successfully passed! I’m the newest Certified Nursing Assistant in NC! I’ve also taken up knitting. Everyone is getting huge blankets for Christmas. You’ve been warned. 🙂
January starts pre-reqs for Nursing school. It also brings about me looking for my own place to move into. But for now.. I’m gonna enjoy these absolutely BEAUTIFUL autumn colors that are surrounding me. The night sky is so black where I am, the stars so bright. The sunsets are the most intense I’ve seen for a long while.

At this moment? I simply can not wait to hug my mother. See my sister’s face. Talk to my dad. Get a hug from my step-dad. Hang out with my friends. Get a rolling session in at the gym. 5 more days. 😉

Over and out!

Just know, I’ll miss You.

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I’ll miss the warmth of Your body during the “too long” hugs that I demand.

I’ll miss the smell of Your shampoo, wafting gently up the stairs.

I’ll miss the hugs I’ve come to depend on when I need them the most.

I’ll miss the smell of the nape of Your neck as I hug You, while Your hair brushes my closed eyelids.

I’ll miss the advice, given face to face, because I know phone calls will not be the same.

I’ll miss the constant, yet, occasional thump as You chase Your tail.

I’ll miss the growling at each other and the barking for attention.

I’ll miss the way You feel next to my body.

I’ll miss the “safety net” You have provided me since I was born.

I’ll miss being close enough to drive to see You, but no matter how far, You’ll always be my best friend.

I’ll miss the moments of pure, unbridled laughter while sitting in the most ironic of places.

I’ll miss the way You make me feel when I’m with You.

I’ll miss Your looks and body language that I understand better than any other soul in the world.

I’ll miss Your presence and the comfort it brings me, simply being in it.

I’ll miss knowing the ending to Your sentences and finishing them for You.

I’ll miss talking to You with my eyes and knowing what You are thinking with a look.

I’ll miss the feel of Your palm touching mine.

I’ll miss the urgency in Your voice while telling stories you no longer can contain.

Just know something..

You are everything to me and then some. No one compares to You. No one can be You or measure up to You. You have brought such joy to my life, I am devastated to have made a choice that takes me away from You. You have made me happier than I could have ever imagined. You are my world. You complete me. You will forever be on my mind.

I love You.

I’ll miss You.

Rewind time, the future is here.

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I’ve always been a person who gets homesick. I’m a home-body. I’ve been all over the US and even traveled as far as Peru. All of my trips have been so completely different… except for one aspect… I love going home. Home is where the heart is. There’s no place like home. Home is where you hang your hat. I’m sure you get my drift.

Is it too much to ask, for time to just stop, maybe slow down or rewind? It seems the future crept up on me when I wasn’t looking and became my present. Decisions I made two months ago are finally coming to full fruition and they are taking me away from home. I’m scared. And nervous. Maybe even a little guilty. In reality, the only feeling I have control of, is the confidence of my decision making.

August has been a whirlwind of bittersweet emotions. I had the opportunity to go zip lining with good friends, learned how to fish!

Look of shock on my face when I actually was able to cast without making a bird's nest with the line.... :)

Look of shock on my face when I actually was able to cast without making a bird’s nest with the line…. 🙂

I’ve spent the last two weeks in Canada, traveling the Trent-Severn Waterways in a houseboat (and I didn’t get seasick!!).

Standing on top of the world... er, the houseboat.

Standing on top of the world… er, the houseboat.

And I got to visit Boldt Castle in the Alexandria Bay region..

Boldt Castle! Worth the visit!

Boldt Castle! Worth the visit!

While all of this was non-stop fun, in the back of my mind I had that nagging feeling of longing. Longing for things to continue as they are. Longing for time to just slow down or stop, because let’s face it, I’m not ready to jump into this new adventure just yet. I feel as though I haven’t been able to catch my breath. I am desperately trying to fit everything into the span of a month that I have either procrastinated doing in the first place or just plain forgot. I’m torn between wanting to spend time with as many people as possible and spending as much time as possible with the few closest to my heart.

In addition to all of these overwhelming feelings, I have also been plagued with the job of… finding a job.

Looking for a job is a daunting task, especially in today’s world where the economy is (maybe?) slowly crawling out of the 10th level of hell. (Although I just read online that Detroit has declared bankruptcy? So maybe not?) Regardless, I am one of millions filling out applications online and buffing up my resume to prove to potential bosses that I AM in fact the best candidate for the job. I’m whoring myself out, let’s be real.

I have applied to literally every job under the sun in NC. While I have looked for jobs that relate to my area of expertise (mental health), I will take whatever I can get. Including Parole Officer. Listed under job training?…. Proper gun handling and self defense. SIGN ME UP. I haven’t heard back from the state though, yet. They want me, I just know it.

In addition to Parole Officer, I have also applied to work in just about every hospital in the Raleigh, NC area. Including the psychiatric hospital that offered me a full time position today. (insert happy dance here). 😀

At least that’s one less thing I have to worry about.

Score one for me. 🙂

Packing is a chore.

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So, here I am with 29 days left in Pennsylvania. I’ve literally waited until this month to tie up loose ends, which I should have done last month, but hey, that’s procrastination at its finest. I’ve been sitting here staring at the boxes I picked up from the liquor store, trying to decide how to fit all of my books into them. (cause let’s be real, my books are the only material items i’m really concerned about taking…. priorities, people) While I don’t really care how to fit them in, I just want to know how good the wines are that once occupied those said boxes.

I’m moving to North Carolina and I’m not entirely sure why. In fact, when someone asks why, I don’t have a “good” answer. By good I mean, I don’t have an answer they really want to hear. I’m moving because I can. I’m moving because I want to try something new. I’m not moving for any other reason except… why not? 

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All books. Packing is such a chore.